There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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