gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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