i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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