mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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