franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
