WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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