I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
