overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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