I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
