quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
