You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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