Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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