For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
