just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
