I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
