How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
