A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
