you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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