there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
