My sheets look like a crime scene.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
