4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
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