someone threw a dead crab at me
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
are you so shy because you have an std?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
