I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I love you. Go after that dick
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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