i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
