bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
