Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
