my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
