I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
