Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
