i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
