I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
