She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
