I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
accomplished twins. life is a go
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
