You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
