When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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