It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
