Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
