I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
