anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
