I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
