I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
