Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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