I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
