i would punch a child for taco bell
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
