I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
