THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
