Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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