I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
