kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
