Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
