Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
