i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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