i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have feelings that need drinking.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
