sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
