i think i have two assholes
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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