I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
