I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
