Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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