I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
