My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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