evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
